"I am not as 'fine' as I keep saying I am."

I proceeded to explain to my husband that there was a well of tears that I had been keeping dammed in for the last week. I freely admit that I tend to rationalize my emotions. This was yet another example of a painful situation where I had just decided to set my emotions off to the side, as they served no purpose at this time. I had done the same thing when my grandfather passed and with other life situations that I just wasn't prepared to handle. The impetus for this most recent example? My lumbar puncture test results.

My follow-up appointment with my neurologist isn't unitl tomorrow, but thanks to the internet and Patient Portals, I recieved my lab results from my GN IgG Index+Synthesis Rate test earlier this week.

My Synthesis Rate IgG, CSF came back high. When I asked Dr. Google what that meant, two letters were her response. And I instantly was overwhelmed by tears.

Surprising tears. Tears that I immediately halted before they reached my ducts. I had class in 15 minutes. But why did I want to cry?

I was prepared for the possibility. Heck, I had even welcomed the diagnosis. Once I finally knew the problem, the unknown would now become my known world as I could set out on a journey to solve the problem, rather than worrying about so many possibilities.

My Fairy Cat-Mother, Mrs, H, had warned me that I would grieve if I did indeed have MS. In addition to being a mentor in my Crazy CatWomanhood, she had become a member of our family over the years, In addition to being the Office Diva at our sons' elementary school, she was diagnosed when she was my age, and had become a testement to where a positive attitude and a menagerie of cats can get you in life. At the time, I didn't know what I would be grieving. Now, I have a slight idea.

Tomorrow is D day. Migraines or Multiple Sclerosis seems like one crazy set of choices. But no matter what, I know I will be fine.

At least that is what I keep telling my self.